Dating Disasters
How to turn a woman off!
Here’s a funny story from one of our members to brighten your Friday up. Thanks for sending it in! Any more stories you have about funny moments in the bedroom (or elsewhere, for that matter!) we’d love to hear them!
“So there I was in this club desperately trying to pull and she walks in. A goddess! What the hell she saw in me I don’t know!! Any way one thing led to the next and she was asking me back to her place. Problem was I really needed to take a dump but asking her to wait while I went to the bogs didn’t seem the right thing to do at the time. So…. I sucked it up and we jumped in a taxi back to hers.
20 mins later, we’re getting off with each other in her flat and I just can’t hold it any more so I ask her if I can borrow her toilet for a second. She says fine but tells me that she wants to take a shower first so why don’t I wait for her in the bedroom! You see my predicament! There I am with this sex kitten but I need a shite! Well, I couldn’t stop her from taking a shower so trying not to shake too much I head into her room. Click here to email this Embarrassing Story to your friends!
I turn down the lights to make it nice and moody and sit there on the bed imagining the joys that were sure to follow. By this time however, I really need to go so. I’m dying and am trying to think of what I can do!!! Then it hits me!! The greatest idea since HP sauce!! I take off a sock, pull down my jeans and kegs and proceed to do the business in the sock. Unbelievably, I don’t spill a drop and by tying it up, I can use the top to wipe my arse too. After finishing up, the only problem I have to deal with is disposing with the dirty sock. I look around the room but am unable to find suitable places for the offending garment to be hidden. Then I spy the window.
Looking out I see that after a small back yard, there is a wall and beyond that a park. So I’m thinking to myself that if I make it over the wall I’m safe. No problem. I start swinging the sock around my head. Once! Twice! and then i let FLY! The sock sails over the wall and well into the park. I feel as if I’ve scored the winning goal in the World Cup!!
Feeling relieved and horny, I sit on the bed, take the rest of my gear off and wait for the angel to exit the shower. I hear her finish and she enters the room! She looks hot in the towel and as she lowers it to the ground and turns on the light, her face turns from one of lust to one of horror!!! and I see WHY!
Splattered on all 4 walls is shit which must have leaked out through the sock while I was spinning it round my head!”
Seven Lies of Adult Dating
We’d like to share with you SEVEN LIES spread by those who call themselves “pick-up artists” to help you become better at dating and meeting people for sex and casual flings successfully – these lies will DESTROY your potential with any quality woman:
LIE NUMBER 1:
“IF A WOMAN SEES YOU AS RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE MATERIAL, THEN YOU WILL BE CONSIDERED A PROVIDER, A BETA MALE, AN “INFERIOR TYPE OF MALE” THAT IS ONLY GOOD FOR PROVIDING MONEY FOR HER.
LIE NUMBER 2:
“TO GET RESPECT FROM A WOMAN, YOU HAVE TO MAKE SURE TO LEARN X, Y, OR Z TACTIC”
LIE NUMBER 3:
“IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GET INTO THE FRIENDS ZONE, YOU BETTER MAKE SURE TO GET HER INTO BED REALLY FAST!”
LIE NUMBER 4:
“BEING GOOD TO A WOMAN IS FOR LOSERS WHILE ALL WOMEN SECRETLY FANTASIZE ABOUT BEING WITH AN ARROGANT AND COCKY PLAYER”
LIE NUMBER 5:
“DON’T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING EMOTIONAL REGARDING HER OR YOU OR YOU WILL BE ABUSED OR SEEN AS A GIRLY-MAN”
LIE NUMBER 6:
“YOU CAN MEASURE YOUR REAL SKILL IF YOU CAN MEET AND PICK UP A WOMAN IN A CLUB”
LIE NUMBER 7:
“ONLY TALK ABOUT POP CULTURE AND NOTHING ELSE DEEP. MAKE SURE TO NOT GET INTO ANYTHING DEEP WITH A WOMAN, ESPECIALLY IN A PICK-UP”
Choose your username carefully!
Here’s a great example of how easy it is to get it wrong when you start dating online. One of our members contacted us about an email he got from another dating site (sensible guy decided to start adult dating with NaughtyCanoodle instead!). The email got him wondering whether the matching was working…!
“SaggyTits1965 could be the ideal person for beginning a long and lasting relationship! Why? Your assessment results show that SaggyTits1965 is an exceptionally good match for you. According to your Index with SaggyTits1965, it would be wise for you to get to know her better.
Make your move now and have a look at SaggyTits1965’s profile!
Needless to say, our guy didn’t get in touch!
…and No…we didn’t get our hands on any pictures either!
20 Top Sex Tips For Men
Darling...What's that smell?
Avoid the pitfalls with these Top Tips from DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD
2 Clean your teeth. Don’t forget to brush them after your bath. When kissing a girl, or even sitting close to her, she won’t want to smell your bad breath or notice salad between your teeth any more than she’ll want to smell yesterday’s sweat.
3 Avoid a heavy meal before sex. Oysters and asparagus are assumed to be aphrodisiacs, but this is only because of visual or olfactory associations. Champagne is a better bet, but choose a less acidic one, lest exotic Kama Sutra-style acts cause indigestion. Stay off the Newcastle Brown Ale
Top of Form
Bottom of Form
4 Be careful with drink. We all know drinking increases a man’s desire but decreases his ability, but not everyone realises it also affects a woman’s sexual response. More than two or three drinks and some women may get their own form of brewers’ droop.
5 Any penile discharge or sore, however apparently trivial, means that sex is out. Chlamydia in the male may be almost symptom-free. It may show only as a mild inflammation of the end of the penis, so that the lips are stuck together in the morning.
6 Always use a condom with a new partner, even if she seems as innocent as a nun. Regular partners should still have chlamydia and blood tests.
7 Men fear judgment, whether by colleagues in the office, teammates in the changing room or, above all, by a new girlfriend. Penis size can worry some men. Remember that someone’s penis always looks smaller to the owner than to an onlooker. Women may prefer a medium-size but thick penis but, if a lover is attentive, even if offering a button rather than a baton, it won’t matter. Don’t apologise for having a small nob. Even if she laughs, don’t assume it’s your tackle she’s laughing at
8 Don’t rush into sex and focus attention immediately on the genitalia. Take it slowly. Learn to massage. Use plenty of lubrication.
9 Make certain that your partner knows how attractive you find her by paying as much attention to kissing her, complimenting her and generally spoiling her. Don’t neglect the breasts and other erogenous zones.
10 Both sexes have off days. Most men occasionally have poor or tardy erections and even fit, athletic, overenthusiastic men, as well as the inexperienced and anxious, may suffer premature ejaculation.
Dr Thomas Stuttaford, the Times doctor, spent many years working in a genitourinary clinic
Here’s some more, by SUZI GODSON
1 There’s no substitute for excitement. The range of lubricants on the market can add slip and slide, but should never be used as a short cut.
2 There’s more to sex than pushing the right button. Men have discovered that the key to female orgasm is clitoral stimulation, and many now rub the lamp rather than poking around inside it. The upside is that women are climaxing more often but the increase in emphasis on genital manipulation has made for some very mechanical sex. Going straight to the erogenous zones is the equivalent of fast forward. Men who focus on left breast, right breast, genitals, reduce their partner to a set of body parts.
3 Though clitoral orgasm is easy to achieve, most women want to experience penetrative orgasm. Intercourse is the ultimate connection between man and woman and the sensation of fullness that it creates is intensely pleasurable.
4 Women are slow burners. They take longer to become aroused and get as much pleasure, if not more, out of tenderness, kissing and cuddling. Though quickie sex has its place, for women on the whole, the longer sex takes, the better it feels. If arousal is allowed to build gradually, it floods the whole body rather than being confined to the genital area and a delayed orgasm is infinitely more powerful than an orgasm induced by five minutes of digital manipulation.
5 Sexual gymnastics are often distracting. Chopping and changing positions and techniques can make a woman’s sexual excitement plummet.
6 Thrusting for hours without climaxing doesn’t make you a stud muffin. It does make the vagina numb and sore.
7 Don’t assume your partner is comfortable in her own skin. A survey of 3,500 British women, by the bathroom equipment company SHUC, found that one woman in ten feels so embarrassed about her body that she turns the lights out before taking off her clothes. The average woman still spends a lot of time every day beating herself up about her weight and looks. Nakedness increases that vulnerability, so be sensitive to her insecurities and, if you think that your partner looks great, for God’s sake tell her.
8 Be polite. Never nudge your partner’s head towards your nether regions. During fellatio don’t thrust into your partner’s mouth, don’t hold the side of her head – and definitely warn her when you think you are going to come. With regard to orgasm, always operate a ladies-first policy.
9 Put a little X in your sex. Watching steamy movies with your partner will increase the chance that you will have sex.
10 Remember to take your socks off.
Suzi Godson is the author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and The Body Bible (Penguin, £16.99)
Darling...What's that smell?
Avoid the pitfalls with these sex tips from DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD
No strings dating growing…
Here’s an interesting article on the rise of no strings adult dating sites, to keep up with people wanting sex outside their marriage.
“Peter (not his real name) describes himself on his profile page as an attractive 43-year-old, married with children and smack bang in the middle of a midlife crisis. He hopes that sleeping with an interesting woman may help. As this is a website called Forget Dinner rather than Facebook, the accompanying picture is of him in his underpants.
Forget Dinner is one of three matterof-fact dating websites — the others are called Marital Affair and Simply Adult — that describe themselves as somewhere for broad-minded adults wanting “fun” to meet. Sign up to one and you receive responses from all three.
Almost all members are married. A quick search offers me a choice of 11,000 mostly married men in London between the ages of 20 and 50, and a lot of pictures of genitalia. Members say that there are probably ten men to each woman.
Profiles are short and to the point, without the flowery “looking for a soulmate” language of conventional dating sites, because most people are not trying to hide that they are just looking for NSA (no-strings-attached) sex, either as a one-off or as a continuing casual arrangement; most are adamant that they want to maintain their current relationship but are looking for something to spice up a life fallen flat. Common explanations include “life is too short to take too seriously” and “I don’t want a relationship, thanks, I’ve already got one of those”. Almost all say that they are not getting enough excitement at home and feel that time is running out.
A foot fetishist and a tights fetishist pop up but, as profiles list level of education and income, it is easy to find pleasant-sounding, high-earning professionals. Peter swapped several messages with a barrister. A lot of the photographs are obviously family holiday snaps.
Peter may be a cliché but he is also a decent bloke — self-critical, slightly embarrassed — trying to best navigate his way through a 16-year-old marriage in which he is determined to remain. He will not, he says, go down the self-destructive route of a long-term affair that could wreck everything. But “sex at home has left the building”, which makes him mildly but continually unhappy with a life that otherwise should be perfect. So far he has met two women on the site and slept with both of them, one several times.
“I know that casual sex is not the answer and I know it’s a dangerous game,” he says. “I’m kidding myself that I’m bright enough and emotionally stable enough to cope with it but now, of course, I feel guilty.” It must be fun at the time, though — otherwise why do it? “Of course, but the pleasure is very temporary. This morning I woke up in a Travelodge in Enfield and just thought, ‘What the hell am I doing?’ ”
Kate, a lawyer in her forties, has been on the site for a month and describes it as “like an erotic Facebook”. She has been married for 15 years and has three children. “I try not to examine my motives too closely or beat myself up,” she says. “Most of the time I tick along fine but I miss the energy of being chatted up, the excitement of dating.”
Read the rest of the article at http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/article6894126.ece#at
Hot Hotels for Adult Dating Meet-ups!
If you’re gagging to meet a fellow Naughty Canoodle Member for some no-strings action, why not take them to one of these sexy Hotels? If it’s an overnight trip you’re after, we’ve got an exciting selection of locations to choose from, or perhaps you both just need a few hours alone together during the day, in which case we have the perfect place! Read on and get planning your sexy stay…
| Sea Spray (Brighton)Introducing Brighton’s award-winning themed boutique hotel, right on the seafront, and perfect for that sexy getaway. With 14 different themed rooms to choose from, from Oriental to the luxury New York Penthouse suite, the Sea Spray is bound to tickle your fancy. Here at Naughty Canoodle, we recommend the Boudoir themed room, equipped with a four poster bed, pink satin sheets, luxury bath tub and private courtyard – this bedroom was designed for the ultimate naughty night away! |
| Hotel Pelirocco (Brighton)Similar to the Sea Spray, the Hotel Pelirocco is also situated on Brighton seafront and has been described as Brighton’s sauciest stopover. Of its 19 themed bedrooms, we particularly like the Nookii Room, complete with lots of black satin and a KinkyBed™ (shackles included), or the Play Room with its 8ft round bed and mirrored ceiling. The highlight of the Hotel Pelirocco has to be the Menu of sex toys, lubricants and condoms which can be delivered discreetly to your bedroom door! |
| Hotel BDSM (Leeds)If you and your Naughty Canoodle playmate feel like taking a walk on the wild side, you must give the Hotel BDSM a try. With 15 different play-rooms/areas, ranging from the Bondage Suite to the Medieval Torture Dungeon, this unique Fetish Hotel gives you the freedom and space to explore your fantasies, as well as providing a safe and secure environment, and confidentiality and discretion at all times. We’re sure a night at this Hotel with your fuckbuddy will be unforgettable! |
| Alternatively, if all you’re looking for is a bed, a locked door and a night of hot passion, you can always rely on Travelodge for a clean and comfortable stay; the great thing about Travelodge is that all of its 380 locations offer early check-in and late check-out, if you’re desperate for a few extra hours together!Lastly, if you’re seeking a daytime sex session, check out SnoozeBookers which offers its guests Hotel rooms between the hours of 11am and 4pm – why not pull a sickie from work and spend those five filthy hours behind closed doors in the company of your Naughty Canoodle playmate!? |
Adult Dating Article – Load of old bollocks!
We came across this article on adult dating today, and you’ve never read so much crap! It’s written like the essays you used to hand in at school when you didn’t have a clue what you were talking about. A free Full Membership to the first person who can post a comment back here with the best succinct summary of what the **** these people are on about. Here goes…
The site, by the way, is called in2town.co.uk (yes, it’s British!)
“Many singles are liberal for free online sex dating service. But being single is not big problem between us. Problem starts when dating seeker have confident lacuna which is responsible behind your singleton status. May be shyness is big deficiency in any adult singles life. Because of their shyness, they can be subjected to steady degradation throughout their growing up years. In there school days, they were scared of talking to any new guy, afraid of giving presentation before class, afraid of participating in school debates. Slowly they realize that there is something wrong with them. In their class, they are not just like normal guy in compare to their classmates.
No doubt during their school and university days, they had a extremely limited number of friends. They can not express themselves how depressed they feel each time. They go together with their friends to bar for a drink. And others who have girlfriends would bring them, and those who haven’t would try their chance in flattering any hot girl for couple dating. Usually shy people would restrict themselves to the corner most place and will be seen with the company of my drink. Other friends would try all the tricks to flatter the girls for sex dating which they met at the bar.
They adopt all techniques like to offer free drink to hot girls and to dedicating popular romantic songs for them. It’s a delight to watch the things especially when any girl refuses their expansion. But at the same time, it creates an invalid, a miserable feeling inside them who are very shy to do this. Their friends even tried to send them on blind meetings, but he would tremble from the very idea of going out with a girl alone for sex dating. They are thankful their shyness that they never going to fall in love with anyone. If you are like this type of guy then there is free internet dating service to provide you to best dating tips. We can see many guys around us who are shy for dating online. May be you can one of them. Then you are suggested to take the free online sex dating service at least once for trail basis. Initially it is not going to cost you anything because of free dating services. Initially you laugh at his suggestion saying that it’s not for you. But you should take it the free online dating service as a serious consideration. Finally you decide to try your luck on the free online mature dating service. You think what’s the heck, if you are not going to gain something, you will never lose anything either. Though your friend promise for the free online dating service, you decide to do a bit of examine to see if all the build up is worth it or not. You check into some prominent free online dating service sites. The graphics, attractive color combo, interesting profiles, everything in those sites offering free online dating services are so attractive that it’s hard to pay no attention to them. Then you convince that all his previous assumptions were ridiculous. You should not waste any more time and you create your profile on a prominent free online dating site. You will even surprise of yourself as how easily you can open up before the free online discreet dating service community when you start chatting with them. It’s been two months since you joined this free couple dating service bandwagon and today you can see a complete makeover of your personality. You no longer hesitate while talking to any girls and propose for free dating. Can’t tell you what a relief it is to see that you are normal like any other guy of your age and all credit goes to free adult dating personals service!”
What a load of old bollocks, eh?
Guide to Adult Dating
Forget all the other stuff you read about internet dating and adult dating, here’s how Borat does it… Hope it makes you laugh 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7vWi8sosg4
Make Sure You Play Safe
Did you know that this week is National Sexual Health Week, in conjunction with the Family Planning Association’s alcohol-related “One Too Many” Campaign? We know there’s no such thing as one too many sexual encounters, as long as you stay protected! To celebrate Sexual Health Week, we want to face the facts and remind our Naughty Canoodle Members to play safe.
It’s estimated that sexual intercourse takes place 2778 times around the world every 5 seconds, yet a third of these horny couples are failing to use a condom, which could explain why STI rates have tripled in the last 5 years. Why is it that so many of us are participating in unsafe sex? The main excuse has to be getting caught up in the moment, but other reasons include being under the influence of alcohol or drugs, and therefore lacking self control, not liking the smell or feel of condoms, or being allergic to latex. Another important factor is that a lot of people are simply not clued-up on STIs (sexually transmitted infections) and the potential dangers involved. There are around 25 STIs in total but the most well-known ones are Chlamydia, Gonorrhoea, Syphilis and HIV – STIs can be spread through vaginal, anal and oral sex, as well as non-penetrative genital contact and sharing sex toys.
Despite STIs being very contagious, reports have shown that 70% of women and 50% of men with an STI show no symptoms at all, so just because that Naughty Canoodle Member looks delicious, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re STI-free… To be on the safe side, always use protection and have regular free and confidential check-ups at your local sexual health clinic.
The easiest way to stay safe between the sheets, especially with any new Naughty Canoodle fuckbuddies, is to always use a condom. Once you’re ready to get to grips with that horny Member you’re gagging to meet, make sure you stock up on whichever condoms tickle your fancy, whether it’s an exciting flavour, or a sexy sensation. Condoms can improve your sex life after all!
Let’s start with flavours; whether you like the original fruity types, for example strawberry, orange, banana, or you fancy something a bit more exotic, such as coconut or kiwi, there are so many weird and wonderful flavours to choose from. The strangest flavours we’ve come across have to be curry, tobacco and lager! As for sensations; the ribbed condoms are designed to provide extra intensity during sex, but what about the warming and tingling types, which are coated in special lube to stimulate both the man and the woman? Durex even sell ‘Performa’ condoms which are made with ‘Benzocaine’, helping the man control his climax and prolong the excitement… which can only be a good thing of course! As for sizes and shapes, we recommend Durex’s Fetherlite condoms, which are so thin, the guy will feel like he’s got nothing on. Alternatively, if you and your Naughty Canoodle partner like hard, rough sex, try Extra Safe which are specially toughened to avoid any accidental splitting. We’ve heard about all those well-endowed men moaning about condoms being too small or tight – enough of the excuses guys! Let us introduce Durex’s Comfort XL condoms which are longer and wider for a perfect fit, or if you’re an allergy sufferer, be sure to pick up the Latex-Free condoms. There are even some vegan varieties out there!
We hope we’ve provided you with some useful information or at least refreshed your memory on sexual health – for more details about STIs or to stock up on condoms and other sexual delights, visit Durex now, after which you can log in to Naughty Canoodle and get planning your safe and sexy night of passion…
Peter Andre sets ’sex date’
Peter Andre, who had vowed to remain celibate after his marriage with Katie Price collapsed, is planning to start having sex the day after his divorce gets finalized, sources say.
’Pete has gone five months without any sex whatsoever. He’s a very sexual guy so it’s been incredibly tough. But the countdown has begun,’ the News of the World quoted a source close to the singer as saying.
The insider added: ‘This is being meticulously planned. He’s going to start hitting the clubs over the next few weeks to find a new girlfriend. There’s no shortage.
‘He’s a red-blooded male and can’t wait to have sex again – but definitely not with Jordan.’
Even the date is apparently finalized for the ‘Mysterious Girl’ hitmaker to get laid.
The insider said: ‘Peter was clear he’d stay celibate during the divorce process. Until now, he hasn’t felt ready to go out in clubs or talk to girls, let alone flirt with them.
‘But that’s changed. Now he’s ready, so the day after the divorce becomes final on October 21 he’s going to move forward with the romantic side of his life, which of course involves sex.’
Peter – if you’re reading, come and give NaughtyCanoodle a try. There’s no shortage of girls on here that’d love to “meet” you!